Maybe you'll knock
by oldmule
Summary: Post 9.8 consequences. Harry, Ruth angst
1. Chapter 1

**Post 9.8 consequences. Nicked the idea of a letter between Harry and Ruth from a couple of you guys, hope you don't mind.**

**Disclaimers and stuff.**

Harry went home. Tomorrow he would go to work and tell them he was offering his resignation to the Home Secretary, he had no doubt it would be accepted. It wasn't a difficult decision, his chances of surviving the inquiry were low and he had no great desire to have his past exploits, good and bad, dragged through the corridors of Whitehall. He would miss Ruth, he would miss the eager eyes of his team at the morning meetings, he would probably miss the power, but this was his time.

He knew what he would say to the Home Secretary, he knew what he would say to Beth, Dimitri and Tariq, even Alec. He knew what he wanted to say to Ruth but suspected he still never would and yet it had to be said.

_

* * *

I should have more courage than to write you a letter, forgive me Ruth._

_As you read this you will know that I have resigned and left the service. I thought it was my turn to die but I find that it is merely my time to go. _

_I regret none of the decisions I made over Albany, they were my decisions and I must face the consequences and I face them gladly because it means that you are safe. That I can never regret. _

_When you read this I will be gone, not merely from Five but from London, probably from England. I don't believe I will ever see you again. I feel like I am back standing by the river and it breaks my heart once more but I think this is the way it must be. _

_I never told you, Ruth, though I believe you have always known, I love you. I love you more than I have the words to express, this is but a very sorry attempt. I will think of your face everyday and it will bring me both joy and the deepest of sorrow._

_My life has many regrets, loving you is not one of them but loving you from afar without ever telling you is. _

_I miss you already._

_Be happy, Ruth._

_Goodbye._

_Harry._

_

* * *

_

He knew the house was empty, he had watched from the car and seen both Ruth and Beth leave for Thames House.

He posted his letter and left for Whitehall.

* * *

"Where's Harry?" asked Ruth.

"Home Secretary." Dimitri pulled a face.

* * *

The pods opened and Harry paused to look at the Grid.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes, thank you Dimitri. Get everyone to the meeting room, will you?'

"Sure, now?"

"Yes, it may as well be now."

"I have offered my resignation to the Home Secretary and he has accepted it, rather enthusiastically if I may say. He may not appreciate the work we do here but I do. I would like to thank all of you.

Some of you, I haven't worked with for as long as I would have liked but know that you have my respect and my admiration. Others I have know for much longer."

He paused and found himself unable to look at Ruth.

"I'm sorry that I can't tell you who will be succeeding me or if there will be any changes to the department but I'm sure whoever comes in will recognise your talents and rely on you much as I have don,trust you as much as I have done.

Take care of yourselves and each other."

He got up and left the table. He had given them no chance to speak. They sat. Abandoned. Silent. One by one they looked at Ruth. She said nothing.

Harry packed his few personal effects into his briefcase.

"Can't we do something?" said Tariq.

"They were always going to want a scapegoat for Albany, Harry's it."

"Thanks, Alec, thanks for your support." Beth snapped.

"What shall we do, then?'

"Say goodbye" said Dimitri simply.

They all got up, Ruth lingered.

Dimitri and Tariq stood in Harry's office and shook his hand.

Neither knew what to say.

"Thanks for the chance, Harry" said Alec, wondering if he'd be unemployed again imminently.

"I've recommended you stay," Harry said, reading his thoughts.

Alec shook his hand and nodded "Thank you."

Beth stepped forward and hugged Harry, he looked a little embarrassed but smiled warmly at her.

The door opened and there stood Ruth.

Harry was immediately aware of her, as were the others. Nothing was said but they all filed out and left them alone.

"Harry."

"Ruth."

"Is there no other way?"

"No, afraid not."

"What will you do?"

"Something, nothing. Potter like Malcolm. Sit in the garden and read books."

She tried to smile as she met his gaze, "It won't be the same."

"Perhaps not, but all things move on, Ruth, except perhaps for us."

She looked away from him, guilty and regretful that she had never let him get too close, wondering if now was too late.

He saw her look and thought it was a rejection, felt she had not wanted to move on with him, not since she returned.

"You may not be in your office, but I know where you live Harry."

"Maybe you'll knock for once."

"Maybe I will," she said and smiled.

He picked up his briefcase and moved to the door.

"Harry," she called

He turned.

"Take care."

"Bye, Ruth."

* * *

The mood on the grid was subdued.

Beth turned to Ruth absentmindedly, "I found this, for you."

Ruth looked up questioningly.

"I had to nip back home and it was there."

She handed Ruth a hand written envelope.

Ruth stared at the handwriting, it looked awfully familiar.

**Prob more to come maybe.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Shortest chapter yet!**

"Ruth, what's up?" Asked Dimitri as she grabbed her coat and ran straight from the Grid.

"Harry," she said and didn't look back.

* * *

She knocked.

Nothing.

She knocked harder.

Nothing.

She rang the bell.

Nothing.

She picked the lock.

Nothing.

Literally nothing. No furniture. No belongings. Nothing that was Harry. It was just an empty house.

He had gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Ruth sat on the floor of the empty house. Harry's empty house.

She looked down at the letter which had never left her hand. Her eyes struggled to focus on it, the words swimming before her.

'_When you read this I will be gone', _

He was gone, she was alone.

'_I don't believe I will ever see you again'. _

Please god, not again.

'_I think this is the way it must be.' _

Why Harry, why must it be like this?

'_I believe you have always known, I love you'. _

Yes, I know, of course I know and I love you. Why didn't I just say it? It's so easy to say now, now it's too late. I love you Harry. I love you.

'_Be happy, Ruth._'

How? How? You stupid man. How can I be happy now, Harry?

'_Goodbye.' _

She didn't know how long she had sat there. It was dark, but she didn't see it. It was cold, but she didn't feel it.

"I need you, Harry."

"Why, Ruth?"

'I have no life without you"

"I am your life, Ruth"

"Yes, yes Harry, you are my life. Please come back. Please don't leave me."

She was talking to ghosts, the house was empty.


	4. Chapter 4

**Don't know if this is totally self indulgent? Probably.**

He didn't know why he'd come here.

Yes, he did.

It was her, always her.

Just one last look. Just a glimpse. It was need; not want, not desire, not even love but need and it needed to to be fed. It needed her.

One last look and then he would be gone. An hour, an hour and then go. Feed the need and then go.

* * *

Ruth stood. She tried to calculate how long it had been since she last cried, it had been so long since George, but now, since the rooftop she had cried. She cried with relief for Harry being alive. She cried with disappointment when told he had given away a genetic time bomb to save her. She cried with guilt she had survived. She cried more when she knew Albany didn't work.

Now she stopped crying.

She had to find him.

* * *

'Please Ruth, let me see you one last time. Please come back.'

'Please Harry, please let me find you.'

**Feeling rather angst ridden and going to bed!**


	5. Chapter 5

He ended the day where it had begun, outside Ruth's house. He needed to see her safe at home and then leave her to the letter that was waiting for her. "Be quick, Ruth" he whispered glancing at his watch.

* * *

Ruth was back on the Grid. She was searching airline, train and boat listings, searching for a name, a legend she might recognise. There was nothing.

Tariq had been drafted in to help, searching cameras around the capital, it seemed a hopeless search, but he couldn't tell Ruth that.

"Anything?" she asked.

"Not so far" said Tariq, "this could take a while, Ruth."

"We haven't got a while," she snapped. "Sorry."

"Look, Ruth this programme's going to need to run full cycle, why don't you go home and I'll call you as soon as I get anything."

"I can't."

"You can, Ruth. Go home and let me do this."

She nodded.

* * *

He had to go. He had promised himself an hour. It had been three. He had to be somewhere.

He turned the ignition, started the car and looked a last time at her house.

* * *

The taxi turned onto her street, she was tired and for once glad of not being on the bus.

"Where are you Harry?" she whispered.

"Did you say something?" called the cabbie.

"Just here's fine," she said.

Harry's car pulled away, his heart heavy, his need unquenched.

Ruth's taxi pulled up and she walked the path to her house, it felt like walking onto the boat and sailing away from him all over again.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hi, it's dad."

"Oh, hi. Sorry I didn't get back to you last Monday, things were a bit hectic."

"Don't worry about it."

"Where are you, do you fancy lunch this week?"

"I'm away at the moment."

"Away, where?"

"I finally got some time off and thought I'd just do a little travelling."

"Anywhere nice?"

"Here and there, bit of culture, few museums, you know."

"Are you sure it's not work dad, you're sounding very elusive."

"No, Catherine, it's not work, you can be sure of that."

"Well, when will you be back?"

"Not sure but I'll call you again soon, if that's okay."

"Course."

"Alright, bye, love."

"Are you okay, dad?"

"Fine. Take care."

"You too. Bye."

As Catherine put the phone down, her mobile rang.

"Thank you," said Ruth.

* * *

Harry was alone. He leant against the window and looked out across the bay. He wondered why there always seemed to be more sky in Ireland, it seemed to be more vast, more dramatic here. It suited his mood. He felt lost within it and lost was where he wanted to be. He raised the whiskey to his lips and sighed and this time lost himself in the glass.

"I miss you, Ruth. I told you I would. I miss your smile. I miss your eyes. I miss your mouth."

The sky listened.

"I'm lost without you."

* * *

"Ruth, I appreciate the job you've been doing since Harry left but we really need a solution to this situation now." The Home Secretary was not a happy man. He had found no suitable replacement for Harry as of yet and in the meantime it had been one crisis after another.

"It's very difficult to solve this particular problem, Home Secretary, when the only person who has the relevant knowledge of the situation _is_ Harry. If he were here I can assure you that this would no longer be an issue."

She let the thought hang in the air.

"Yes, well, that's all well and good but he's not here, so fix it now, Ruth."

End of conversation.

* * *

The wind had whipped him. The cold had bitten him. The sky had lashed him.

He sat now, close to the flames of the fire and opened another bottle of whiskey. He did not notice the dampness of his clothes, the burning in his fingers, nor the coldness in his bones. He looked into the flames.

"How are you things with you, today? Are you busy?"

The fire burned.

"I've been walking down the longest beach you've ever seen."

Food and whiskey and a fire, that was all he needed. No, wrong word, he thought, he required those things, what he needed was her.

"Do you miss me, Ruth, even a little?

I miss you.

Always."

He failed to hear the knock at first, it was soft but persistent and would not leave him in peace. He wanted to talk to her in the flames but it called him away.

"What do you want from….?" he said irritably as he opened the door.

He never finished the sentence.


	7. Chapter 7

"You're wet"

"I've been walking on the beach."

"Oh."

They looked at each other for a long moment.

Her face was like the balm to heal his need for her, whilst his eyes filled the emptiness she had felt since his departure.

"How did you find me, Ruth?"

"We tapped Catherine's phone."

He nodded and turned back inside "You best come in."

They sat by the fire and he poured her a whiskey, he only had the one glass. He wasn't thinking straight he knew that. He wondered if he had been outside too long and was hypothermic and hallucinating. He had been talking to her, he could see her in the flames and now here she was sat in front of him, which image was real?

He seemed far away, distracted and he kept looking into the fire. His jumper, his jeans and his hair were wet but he didn't seem to notice. She noticed. She noticed everything.

"I've missed you, Ruth."

"Harry, we need you back."

"Have you missed me, even a little?"

"We've missed you a great deal."

"We."

"Everyone's missed you. Even the Home Secretary."

"Why are you here, Ruth?" He still gazed into the flames.

"We're in a mess, there's a kill order out on the PM and you're the only one who knows anything about the group who are threatening him, it goes back to Moscow and Berlin. Harry, I'm sure if you solve this then the Home Secretary will rescind your resignation and welcome you back."

"I think, perhaps that this place suits me."

"Please listen to what I'm saying."

"I waited for you. Waited for you to come home so that I could see you one last time. You never came."

"I was looking for you."

He took his eyes from the fire, to her.

"I'd been to your house, read your letter, knew you were gone."

She held his gaze for a moment and then she lost him to the flames once more.

"Harry, come back with me."

"Back?"

"Back to work."

He said nothing.

"Back home."

"I have no home."

"Back to your life."

"I have no life there, anymore."

"You have me, Harry. I _am_ your life."

He turned to her. "Yes, you are.

"I ran the trace before any conversations with the Home Secretary, I'd booked my ticket, I was on my way. I wasn't coming for him, Harry, I'm here for me. For us."

"Us?"

"Yes, us. If you still want me? If you still love me?"

"Didn't you say it was unfair of me to love you?"

"I was wrong. You should love me, in fact, you should never stop loving me, in fact, if you do I'll never forgive you."

"Ok, Ruth, I can promise to do that."

"Don't leave me again."

"I won't."

"Harry, do you know how I feel about you?"

He simply shook his head, he was hoping. She took his still cold hands in hers.

"I should have told you, I shouldn't have left it as something unsaid, I shouldn't have thought it could be ignored."

His eyes reflected the light of the fire and were burning bright with hope and need.

"Harry, I've always loved you, even when I didn't know it, even when I didn't want to."

He smiled.

"Now please come back with me to your life."

"My life? Or my life with you?"

"Our life, Harry, together."

He nodded and pressed her hand against his cheek and kissed it tenderly.


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"Get undressed."

"What?"

"Take your clothes off, Harry."

"Ruth, I..."

"You're wet. You'll catch pneumonia. You won't be able to save the PM, then you'll be unemployed, I'll be the only one earning a wage, you'll be grumpy and I'll have to put up with you pouting for the rest of the year."

"If you want to seduce me just say, you really don't have to go to such lengths with questionable excuses, Ruth."

"I want to seduce you, now please take your clothes off."

"Come here first" he said and hugged her as hard as he could.

"Get off," she said.

He let go.

"Thanks very much, Harry, now I'm wet, too."

He raised his eyebrows.

"Oh dear, better take your clothes off, you don't want to get pneumonia, Ruth."


End file.
